A fork in the road

Dear Catharsis,

Total shutdown today. I hit a fork in the road and feel like I am traveling down both. On one fork I have no opinion, feel next to nothing, and just generally ignore anything. On the other fork, I want to fight everything, and beg to feel everything. I don't care enough to get into the fight that I crave. So you know what I did? I drank. I walked down to the bottle shop, and I bought two bottles of Merlot. I had about a glass of Red left in the apartment and I drank that too. I have one bottle left. It seemed easier than trying to get into a fight today. This has happened before....

I was in 7th or 8th grade I think. Whatever year I started taking Muni home because I couldn't stomach another moment in Ms. Kerwin's car, and my father was pretty much living in the basement and rarely left. So I would take the bus.

One day, for one reason or another, I missed the bus. I probably had detention that I either had my dad sign off on, because it was clear he did not care, or I forged his signature on. I don't remember which. Besides detention was no different from study hall at Rooftop anyway. Anyway, I didn't feel like waiting for the next one so I walked from Burnett St. down to Market and Castro to catch the L home. I was in a particularly bad way at this point. This was at the height of the time that people had taken to calling me "Mulatto." But on this particular day--it was sunny--I was stopped by a kid on the street. He was about high school age I think. Anyway this kid stopped me on the street and asked me one time it was. I told him I didn't know, which was the truth. I have always hated wearing watches because they make my wrist itch, and I just pick at the watch all day; and I didn't own a cell phone until after I was in college.

The kid then said, "okay. Then give me your wallet." That I did have on me, there was not much in it. Enough to get a slice at Marcello's and get home. But, I refused to give it to him. I had had enough. I was tired of being picked on, made fun of, beaten up. So I refused. In fact, I looked him straight in the eye and simply said no. I didn't move. I just stared. It felt like an eternity, and I was honestly about to move on, when the kid pulled out a knife and repeated, "give me your wallet."

I have to pause here for a second. The fork in the road that I am at right now has little regard for human life. To be specific, my life. I am not nearly far enough down the road to want to end it myself. I have not been down there for quite some time, but at this stage on the road, I wouldn't mind if something should...happen. Anyway that was the point I was at that day in middle school so many years ago.

Again I told the kid, 'no.' To which he threatened to hurt me if I didn't. Never taking my eyes off of him. I told him to do it. I told him to stab me and that it was the only way he was going to get my wallet. I was very calm, and I was very serious. But, I did not stop there. I told him he would be doing me a service, by trying to kill me (at the time I thought this to be true). I even went as far as taking a step towards him. While I was at school and being picked on, I was never this calm, collected or fearless. Something inside me had snapped. I just stopped caring altogether about my well-being and had accepted whatever would ever happen. But the kid with the knife started to back away. I don't think he expected that. The kid high tailed it out of there and I went home. I had no emotion towards the whole thing and forgot about it. Never told anyone. It never boosted my self-confidence or self-esteem, as I was still picked on at school and never fought back.

The point of that story is, I feel the exact same way right now. And tomorrow is game one of the NLCS where my hometown Giants will be facing my current town Phillies. I will be rooting for the Giants and I am anticipating some verbal abuse. But right now, based on the way I feel, there could be a fight. Someone (probably me) could get hurt. And I do not have the slightest care in the world. We will see how this ends up.