What is family for 500

Dear Catharsis,

This one is a hard one to define for me. On one had I have my own experiences of a fractured, disparate family that ceased to eat dinner with each other or rarely did much in the way of family activities after a while. On the other hand I have a girlfriend, who has a very tightly knit family, who despite the disfunction that is inherent in all families has been--for me--the model of what a family is, and how they interact.

I have never been particularly close to my family, by choice. I can finally admit that now. I chose to distance myself from my family. In many ways I am very okay with that decision. In others I feel like there is something from my childhood that is missing. But I made my choice and I am standing by that decision even now, because there is a chance to make something new. I am trying to reconnect with a sister, who despite sharing a house and school with each other, I consider an estranged sibling. But, I am looking at what I do have and what has carried me through life as more of a family as well. My nearest and dearest friends, whom I love with all my heart are very much a second family and when we are together, we are very much unstoppable and we always fall together, into each other like tent poles. Always supporting, stronger together than apart. But, due to distance and the beginning of life's third movement, they too are starting to create their own families. Some more than others, but there are flashes of things to come becoming visible.

But, most importantly, I have someone so incredibly special in my life, she has fast become a foundation for the family that I have always dreamt of. I don't necessarily mean in the kids, dog, white picket fence version of the family, although I am sure I would like to have that sort of family eventually. I am mean in the sense of something deeper that nothing physical can outwardly explain or show. Deep, deep down, she has tapped into a part of me that when I was younger did not think I would ever experience. I have watched movies, read books, listened to music that have described the one true thing that truly makes a family a family.

Unconditional love.

Love that you want to give and have no trouble showing. Love that is received equally without having to even look in its direction. It is both given and received. Wonderful and cruel. It makes you want to be a better person. It ensures that you will do absolutely anything for that person even at personal expense and sacrifice.

I know my parents love me and my sisters unconditionally, but I did not reciprocate those feelings growing up. I am and will continue to try to create that feeling between myself and my sisters. My friends and I have always had that unconditional love for each other, but even it has its limits. I have seen in the person that turned out to be the love of my life, what a family really is. I know what I to fight for, and I actually have a better sense of the message conveyed in all of those movies, books and songs. But even she is still half of the nucleus of a family.

I have to be included to. I am apart of all of these families and I am apart of the family that I want to build. Drawing from all three sources I have to be involved. There in lies my struggle. I have to love myself unconditionally.

And so Catharsis, I am not going to fight with myself anymore. The more I fight myself the more I harm my family. It is time I accept myself and all of my flaws as well as my gifts. These last 8 months have been the biggest struggle of my life and it is still uphill. But, not only have I seen the growth of my family before, I have experienced for a brief time. No more "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone attitude." It's high time for a, "working my way back to you..." attitude. I am working my way back to my family, my love, but mostly to myself.

I was asked a few weeks ago, what 10 year old me would think of me now. I knew he would be less than thrilled. But it is time to make 10 year old me proud. So I am standing up. I will become a part of the nucleus of the family I have always dreamed of having. First, I have to say thank you. Thank you to Rachel, Pat, Lisa, Mike, Katie, Raven, Felicity, my parents, Rachel's parents. Thank you for the help, the pain, the support, all of it--good and bad. But I am going to fight now. You can step back, you will not be crutch and cast anymore.